


The Five Times Phil Lester Cried After Sex and the One Time It Didn't Matter

by auroraphilealis (xrosepetalsx)



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Fluff, Happy Ending, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Rape/Non-con Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-08-18
Updated: 2015-08-18
Packaged: 2018-04-15 08:41:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4600212
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xrosepetalsx/pseuds/auroraphilealis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sex has always meant more to Phil than just sex, but it takes him a long time to learn that crying afterwards isn’t a bad thing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Five Times Phil Lester Cried After Sex and the One Time It Didn't Matter

**Author's Note:**

> **Disclaimer** : In no way do I pretend that this is real or cast aspersions on Dan or Phil.
> 
>  **Warning** : There is a **non-con** scene set as the **“second time.”** You can **skip this scene easily** , as it is fairly graphic enough I feel it could be easily triggering. It’s **not necessary to read** , as the story refers to it much less graphically later in a way that lets you know what happened. There is also **dubious consent** in the **“fourth time”** wherein Phil gives consent while drunk. **Please be careful upon reading.**
> 
> I know this isn’t the next thing I promised to have up, nor was it in my updates tab, but I got crazy inspired and wrote this basically inbetween my work hours, so I hope you guys enjoy! This is also the first thing I’ve written alone in a very long time, wow! I was looking through my fic tag and didn’t realize I’d been doing chaptered fics with Kate for so long :O
> 
> Thanks as always to beta mostlikelyprocrastinating!

**[1]**

The first time it happened, Phil was 16, and completely in love. He’d been with his girlfriend, Maddie, for almost 6 months now, and thought he was ready.

Boy, was he wrong.

It started out in his bedroom with the door closed; his parents and older brother wouldn’t be home for a few hours still, and Maddie had already gotten Phil’s shirt off before they’d even stepped into his room. Her fingers were warm against his skin, delicate and flawless with long, acrylic nails that she liked to scrape down his chest.

The motion made Phil’s breath catch in his throat, and his fingers clench tighter around her hips. He was quick to kiss her, using his tongue in the way she’d taught him to in all their time making out behind the school.

“Did you get the condoms, like I asked you to?” she asked him. Phil nodded his head frantically, pulling away from her to dig them out from beneath his bed. She smiled up at him, and pulled him back in, her fingers quick at his belt buckle and zipper.

Before Phil knew it, they were both completely stripped and on his bed, his fingers playing with the soft flesh of her breasts in awe. She was batting her eyelashes up at him flirtatiously when he surged in to suck at her nipples, feeling himself growing harder against her thigh.

He’d never felt so much love surge in his chest, nor had he felt so hot and bothered with need. She was so beautiful, with her hair spread out against his pillow like that, and so wanton in the way she moaned underneath him.

He was in inside of her before either of them knew it, suffocating on the breathless feeling being connected to her made him feel.

When they were done, Phil couldn’t help but choke on a small sob.

“Are you _crying!?_ ” She asked him. Phil turned his head, surprised to find that she wasn’t. In fact, she looked so disgusted, Phil’s heart immediately broke.

“I…I-“ he stuttered, gulping back the well of emotion.

“God, if I’d known you were such a sap, I never would have gone out with you!” she screamed, and then she was gone.

\--

**[2]**

The second time it happened, he was 18. It had been two years since Maddie, and 3 months since he’d realized he was bi. He had a boyfriend named Chad who made him feel over the moon.

They were making out on the couch in the lounge of his parents’ home. He and Chad were off to university soon, and were soaking up the limitless time they’d have together before they’d be reserved to weekend visits.

Phil hadn’t quite grasped the fact that Chad was using him, yet.

Once again, Phil’s parents weren’t home, and Phil found himself being pressed into the couch with Chad on top of him. His pants were getting tighter, but that wasn’t unusual for him when he was with Chad. What was unusual was Chad’s hands wandering over his bulge, and kneading gently. He gasped into the kiss, pulling away with the intention of telling Chad to stop, when Chad’s lips moved down to his neck and bit down harshly.

Phil gasped. “Chad, wait,” he tried to say, but Chad was having none of it.

“I’m leaving in a week, Phil. Don’t you want to leave me with something to remember you by?” he asked. Phil wanted to say no, but he could also feel his grasp on Chad weakening. It was stupid of him, but he thought, maybe, the sensation of being close like that would make Chad stay.

So he let go of his inhibitions, and allowed Chad to pull away his clothes. He wanted this, _he did_ , and he choked on a moan as Chad’s fingers wrapped around his cock. It was so different than it had been when he was with Maddie. Chad was rougher, and his cock was heavy against Phil’s thigh, and he wasn’t as soft as Maddie under Phil’s fingers.

The first finger inside of Phil was rough, and painful, but he tried to ignore it as Chad set a bruising pace stretching him. The second finger was worse, but Phil still kept his mouth shut. On the third finger, Phil cried out and begged Chad to stop.

“Shut up, Phil. It’ll be fine. Just take it, and we’ll get to the good part soon.”

They never got to the good part. Chad sunk into him without a condom or lube, and it felt like Phil was being ripped apart. He gritted his teeth and took it until Chad moaned into his neck, coming deep inside of him. Phil’s own cock had gone flaccid thirty seconds in. He breathed a sigh of relief once it was over, wrapping his arms around Chad while he was still inside of him.

Though it had hurt, Phil’s tears came from the massive amount of emotion he felt surging through his body at the intimacy.

Chad pulled out of Phil, and sat up, quirking a brow at Phil’s tears. He didn’t bother to clean Phil up as he pulled on his own clothing.

“It’s best you learn this now – crying after sex just makes you look weak. Suck it up, pretty boy.”

And then he was gone too.

\--

**[3]**

The third time it happened was an accident. Phil was 19, and he’d never forgotten what Chad had said to him.

_“It’s best you learn this now – crying after sex just makes you look weak. Suck it up, pretty boy.”_

This time, Phil was dating another boy. His name was Jason, and he was everything Chad was not. While Chad had never called him again after their encounter at Phil’s house, Jason picked up before the third ring every time. He was eager, and heartfelt, and everything Phil had ever been looking for.

Jason was the first to say I love you. Phil had believed him.

They’d been together nearly a year when Jason started pushing Phil for more. They’d never gone past a rushed hand job, and even that had nearly sent Phil into tears. He was terrified he was going to scare Jason away if his emotions got the best of him after sex, so he was working himself up to holding back.

They were on Phil’s bed in his dorm room, lying on their sides. Phil’s fingers were tangled in Jason’s jet black hair, whereas Jason’s fingers were clenched tightly over his hip bone. Their hips were rocking together gently, turning Phil’s brain to mush, when Jason asked him:

“Please, Phil. I want you.”

Phil had said yes.

Obviously, Phil had never really topped before, but after the last time, he’d done a lot of research. He knew the proper way to prepare your partner, and how to make them feel good, so he rolled over so he was lying on top of Jason and took over.

His fingers were nimble on Jason’s torso, trailing down his body until he’d torn his pants off his legs. There was lube in the bedside table that Phil was quick to pull out, slicking up his fingers and hesitating at Jason’s entrance.

“Are you sure?” he asked. Jason nodded his head yes.

Phil was slow to prepare him – slower than he needed to be. Jason kept trying to tell him he was ready for another, but Phil was terrified. He never wanted to be Chad.

By the time Phil was finally pulling a condom on and slicking up his cock, Jason was writhing on the bed. Phil felt pride that he’d been the one to reduce his boyfriend to that state, and surged in for a kiss. He worked himself into Jason slowly, gasping at the feel of Jason’s body sucking him in. He was so tight, and so hot, and Phil had never felt something so amazing in his entire life.

He’d barley managed to get as far in as he could before he found himself blinking back tears. Jason stared up at him in confusion, but it wasn’t the worried kind; it was the disgusted kind Phil had been dreading seeing.

They finished up quickly, Phil burying his face in Jason’s shoulder with his eyes squeezed shut the whole time. Phil knew he was doing a good job by the sounds Jason was making, but he feared that wouldn’t be enough to make the boy stay. The way Jason’s body squeezed around him after he came made Phil come as well, but neither boy could look at each other once they were finished.

Phil pulled out of Jason and tied off the condom. There were tear marks on Phil’s pillow.

Jason left quickly and quietly, and Phil felt nothing but shame.

\--

**[4]**

The fourth time it happened was after a text message from Jason informing Phil that they were over. Phil was too clingy, too needy or something. He clearly wanted something more than Jason could give him, as evidenced by his tears in the middle of sex.

In turn, Phil found himself going out to a nightclub. The music was loud, and the lights too bright, but Phil didn’t care; he was too busy getting drunk at the bar and shooing off the assholes who tried to weasel him into their bed.

It wasn’t until some guy with sandy blonde hair and a charming smile showed up and offered to buy him a drink that Phil gave in.

They were kissing before Phil knew it, and he allowed himself to be dragged into the bathrooms and bent over a toilet, his head pounding and his cock pulsing with need.

The guy was gentle, at least. He made sure Phil was ready before he fucked him, and used a condom.

Afterwards, once the guy had cleaned him up and left the stall, Phil sat on the lid for an hour and cried.

\--

**[5]**

The fifth time it happened, Phil was a semi-popular youtuber with a secret girlfriend. He was almost 21, and they’d been dating for 8 months. Katiya was nice. She’d never once pushed Phil into something he very clearly didn’t want, and was perfectly fine with never going past some passionate making out.

Sometimes, her hands would wander, and it was obvious what she wanted, but when Phil pulled away with an apologetic smile, she was always understanding.

It was after they’d filmed a video together that Phil would later delete, wherein she licked his cheek on camera, that they fell into bed together.

Katiya was sinful in bed. The moment Phil gave her the okay to press her hand past the waistband of his pants, Phil was in heaven. His breathing was erratic before she’d even gotten his jeans off.

She knew what to do with her mouth, as well, and Phil experienced his first blowjob with her. She didn’t allow him to come, though. Instead, she wiggled out of her panties on top of Phil, and rode him until he was seeing stars.

He came, deep inside of her, glad for the fact that she’d made sure to fit him with a condom, and the tears rolled down his cheeks before he could stop them.

At first, she didn’t notice. She was breathing heavily on top of him with her face buried in his neck, but he knew the minute she sat up, she’d know. Phil still hadn’t learned why it mattered whether he cried or not during sex, nor was he sure why exactly he did it, but he did know by now that tears and sex didn’t mix well when it came to the longevity of his relationships.

He was cursing himself as Katiya sat up, pulling herself off of him. She seemed taken aback by Phil’s tears.

“Phil?”

“I’m sorry,” he murmured, and rolled over so his face was smushed into his pillow.

Later, Katiya would tell him that she loved him, but that she wasn’t ready for the kind of commitment Phil very clearly needed. Sex was just sex to her, not the wonderful and beautiful thing that Phil saw it as.

That was the first time Phil truly understood why his tears scared everyone away, and he decided to embrace it. It didn’t matter if he lost a thousand partners because he’d cried after sex; the one who’d stay would be well worth it.

\--

**[+1]**

The last time it happened, they’d only been seeing each other for a few months. His name was Dan Howell, and he was the sweetest, gentlest soul Phil had ever met. They’d met online, talking first over twitter, and then youtube comments, and then, eventually, skype. It hadn’t taken Phil long to ask him out after the first few skype calls, and Dan had blushed, evident even over the crappy webcam quality of his laptop, before nodding a shy yes.

They ended all of their text messages with little x’s and o’s after that, and Phil made sure to call him every night. He couldn’t wait for the day Dan would be able to come and visit him, and when that day came, they couldn’t keep their hands off each other.

It started on the Manchester Eye. The moment they reached the top of the ferris wheel, Phil leaned over and kissed him, cupping his cheek softly and allowing their lips to meet for the very first time. Dan literally _melted_ under Phil’s touch. There was a soft inhale of breathe, and then an exhale wherein Dan closed his eyes and Phil smiled.

It was a chaste kiss. Phil pulled away quickly, smiling down at Dan with so much love in his eyes, he could feel himself bursting with it. He knew, without a doubt, that he loved this man, and if he got the chance, he’d spend the rest of his life with him.

They went to Phil’s house later that night. No one was home. Dan had him pinned to his bedroom wall in no time. Phil was sort of used to being dominated, by now, and allowed Dan to take control, lifting his arms when Dan went to yank off his shirt.

Their trousers and pants were quick to follow, until Phil was lying down on the bed with Dan hovering over him, beautiful tanned skin splayed out in front of him.

“You’re beautiful,” Dan murmured, his voice quiet as he stared at Phil in awe.

“So are you,” Phil responded. Dan blushed, and looked away, brown fringe falling in his eyes.

“No, I’m not,” he shot back, but Phil ignored him.

“You are,” he repeated. Rather than waiting for Dan to respond, he leaned up, cupped the back of his neck, and kissed him.

They were barley on top of each other, and already Phil could feel tears prickling at his eyes, but he didn’t care. He smiled up at Dan when they pulled away from the kiss because he already knew, Dan was going to stay.

“I’ve never-“

Phil shushed him, already knowing what Dan was going to say.

“It’s okay. I know. There’s lube in the bedside table, and a condom. Would you feel more comfortable if you were on top, this time?” he asked. Dan nodded shyly, leaning over Phil to grab the items he’d been directed to while Phil smiled encouragingly up at him.

They worked through the process together, Phil trying to get over the discomfort and fear being taken gave him now that he wasn’t drunk. He’d only been bottomed twice in his life, and one time he could barely remember, while the first time was so traumatic, Phil nearly felt too restless to continue.

But Dan was gentle, and soft, just the way he’d always appeared over Phil’s laptop screen. He took his time, and took instruction well, peering up with wide eyes the moment he pressed against something that made Phil stutter out his next breath and freeze up, tightening around Dan. It was the first time Phil’s prostrate had ever been touched, and already he wanted more.

Dan looked scared he’d done something wrong, but Phil assured him he’d done something _right_ , and that was the moment Phil decided he trusted him with his life.

A while later, Dan sunk into him with a low sound of his own. They panted into each other’s mouths, lips pulling together and apart again and again and again, until they couldn’t do it anymore. The glide of Dan inside of Phil was so wonderful, he closed his eyes and just let himself float. By the time he was coming, he couldn’t tell if he was crying or not. All he knew was that not only did he feel wonderful, but he felt loved.

Dan settled down on top of him, then, head pillowed on Phil’s chest. His fingers were playing with the light shadow of hair there, twisting it around his fingers while he remained inside of Phil. Phil didn’t even mind.

He opened his eyes slowly, wrapping his arm around Dan’s shoulders and glancing down to find Dan staring up at him with wide, brown eyes.

“Why are you crying?”

“Because I feel so close to you right now.”

Dan smiled.

“Me too.”

 


End file.
